News Intelligence Analysis
The Grandpa and the Cheerleader:
And How McCain Slew McAble
Or the Melt Down of the Republican Party in 2008 – Take Your Pick
By Katherine
Yurica
AKA Edith Earle Fonder (who can’t keep Eudora Welty’s
observations to herself)
September 8, 2008
Well they tried. The poor old things! That grand old, old party—came limping into America’s homes with the grandpa and the beauty queen! They said, “Vote for us because we are not them!” (They meant of course, that they aren’t connected in any way, shape or form to the Democratic Party and all the millions and zillions of us who tend not to vote for conservatives who want to turn our tax money over to Halliburton and other entities of financial magnitude.)
Bless their hearts. They mean business—all the time. They can’t help it—they just love to make money, and give it to their favorite enterprises. (It’s called “faith-based initiatives” or “turnover” or something like that.) But back to the convention!
Wasn’t Cindy’s bright, bright green dress—er—noticeable? Admit it! Today’s Republicans know how to make Americans feel comfortable with them. They grab those war buttons they wear in their lapels and polish them till the little things shine brighter than a body’s face at noonday with the sun all over it. They ask not what you (and they) can give to our country but rather what our country can give to them! (Of course they’ve earned it—they are so clever and bright—they mostly ask just for menial things—like our votes—to put them in powerful offices!
I mean they are really nice folks. Underneath their hysteria—there’s real gentle folks hiding behind their eyebrows. It’s only certain subjects that set them off. It’s things like “sin” and degradation that curl their toes. They’re afraid that schoolteachers are going to turn their children into gays and lesbians with Harry Potter’s wand.
Then, when the scared American folks ask, “What are we going to do about it?”
“Never you mind,” says GOP Grandpa of the Year, “Vote for us Republicans and we’ll turn your kids ‘round in the U.S. Army and Marine Corp! We’ll make men of them—or they’ll die trying!”
(The GOP, which stands for “God’s Own Party,” is truly concerned and politically “with it!” I don’t know if you’ve noticed that or not. I just thought I should point it out!)
Grandpa McCain has such a sweet twiny voice that it reminds me of a person of Southern extraction—a person with true cultural superiority. It’s amazing how everyone—absolutely everyone is Grandpa McCain’s ‘friend!’ It comes automatically from his character traits.
Anyway, as I was saying, Republicans almost to a man, spook out for fear that the schools will teach their youngsters how to get pregnant in three easy steps. And you know, our hearts should go out to that cheerleader’s daughter who got pregnant that way, herself!
It just seems to me that the whole Republican caboodle has totally forgotten about Job who pointed out for everyone how things work when he said—after breaking out with itchy rashes all over his body, losing all his kids, and couldn’t find a friend left in the world—he woke up and warned us by saying what happened to him could happen to us if we forget this major rule: “For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me…” Job 3:25. In other words those poor old uptight squeaky scaredy-cats are Jobs waiting to happen—simply because they live and walk and breathe in fear!
Did you happen to notice how clean, white and empty the sea of faces appeared at the convention? It’s a fact they still use Lava soap! And I like that clean kind of joke from Governor Huckabee! The GOP has been washed white and polished with something akin to Armorall—that is a “thin coating of a plastic morality” that’s why it only works for Republicans and not for Democrats—who are more interested in being clean—not just looking clean!
It began a long time ago when McCain was young. He had a brother who seemed to always do everything right but McCain managed to mess up one thing after another. So the long and short of it is this: McCain slew his brother McAble and God put a mark on McCain so that wherever he traveled and spoke, people wouldn’t listen to him.
But McCain just kept going around, preaching his new gospel of political redemption that transfers all the wealth of the land from the poor and middle class to the rich—until some rich folks caught on to the fact that McCain had umpty-seven plantations and umpty other mansions and they started thinking what a good idea that was and just started going around with him, learning his doctrine and preaching it to everyone else themselves!
Of course McCain set everyone straight! He does not mince words. He proudly preached, “We are not our brother’s keepers!” It resonated all over the nation and the world! Folks started buying ads and telling each other that McCain’s mark was from God and pretty soon churches started endorsing him and the beauty queen right from the pulpit!
(Of course McCain never breathed a word about what happened to his brother McAble—who no longer needed keeping anyway since he had departed from this pale sea of pain and sorrow!)
But you know, folks really began to love the idea that we are not our brother’s keepers and the crowds got bigger and bigger and they’d shout back, “Amen!” “Preach it brother!”
Naturally, it follows that if we are not our brother’s keeper we shouldn’t let anyone else help our brothers either. So McCain taught everyone in sight to reject surrogate keepers and for heaven’s sake no one was to allow the government to help its own people! That’s the job of the churches!
“How in the hell are the churches going to survive if they don’t get handouts from the government so they can keep the riff raff off the streets?” McCain shouted!
Although McCain, old grandpa that he is, doesn’t believe in giving a hand to any brother or sister, he is very intent on giving the vote to a fertilized egg cell in its mother’s womb because according to him, a fertilized egg is a “baby” entitled to human rights! (It’s called Amendment 48 in Colorado.)
“That way,” he said, “we can establish whole new professional businesses like “forensic gynecologists” who will determine whether an aborted egg was thrown out of the womb by the woman’s body unbeknownst to her or whether she did it by inducement!” Now if it’s the latter, she goes to jail—if it was the former, we put her under surveillance! And he added, “We’ll deny her contraceptives because that would be an abortion!”
Some thirty or forty years ago—time flies when you’re old—I had taken in a pregnant stray cat and she had a litter of little tiny kittens. Now two of them seemed to be identical twins and I couldn’t for the life of me tell them apart. Finally it got to be weaning time and Sheba—that was the mother’s name and if you want to know “Solomon” was the daddy. (I go for biblical names—it has to do with Sunday School in the South.) Anyway I started helping Sheba because by then she was nursing her litter as well as Song of Solomon’s litter (I called her “Song” for short!) It’s true by then there were about fifteen kittens and cats on my back porch. Well I observed those critters and I noticed the identical twins were not identical in behavior. One of them ate what I served and the other not only wouldn’t eat, but she spit, hissed and tried to scare me away! Well I wouldn’t have anything to do with that behavior so I named the kitten that ate “Eats,” and the kitten who wouldn’t eat, “No Eats.”
They were identical except in behavior. One was social and the other was scared of everything. “Eats” went on to be successfully adopted by a loving couple, but “No eats,” was run over by a car even though I told her it was too dangerous to go running in the street, which goes to show how fear blocks out good advice.
Once, many years ago, when I was pastor to a flock of birds, actually, they were Mallards, and they’d been churchless and pastor less for years before I took on the assignment. I led them to green pastures, besides the still waters, fed them with corn, and sang to them with my guitar as accompaniment. One day, I got a stone in my boot somehow and so I pulled the boot off. The entire flock became hysterical. They jumped up and down and quacked words I’d never heard before. Finally, I got the message: they thought I pulled my own leg off! I showed them that wasn’t so and put the boot back on and they finally calmed down. Which goes to show you that when folks get scared and fearful, they loose their ability to reason correctly!
You see fear gets everyone in trouble. It gets flocks in trouble, nations in trouble, and families in trouble. It’s especially bad when nations start wars out of fear.
There’s no real medicine one can take to get over fear. But one thing exists that can help all of us along. In the end, it is Christian to believe that we are our brother’s keeper—all of us—and our nation needs to be as kind as Jesus would be to the poor and the hungry and to those who don’t have medical insurance. That’s why it’s wrong to vote for the Grandpa and the Beauty Queen. Though McAble is no longer with us, we still need able leadership and not McCain’s and certainly not the beauty queen’s.
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Directory of the Articles and Essays
of Katherine Yurica
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a Religious Test
by Katherine Yurica
On August 16, 2008, Rick Warren,
the affable pastor
of the 83,000 member Saddleback Church in Southern
California made history by setting up a sequential debate
between Barack Obama and John McCain at his church.
In spite of the natural tendency to rank the competing
candidates’ performances, it is Rick Warren’s character
traits that deserve closer scrutiny here, particularly the words
he chose to say to the press, prior
to the Saddleback forum.
The Sarah Palin Strategy:
Upon learning the news, Matthew
Staver, Chairman
of Liberty Alliance Action, Chairman of Liberty Counsel
and Dean of Liberty University School of Law said of
the choice, "Absolutely brilliant. . . ."The excitement
was palpable among conservative leaders when they
heard that Gov. Palin was Sen. McCain's choice for
Vice President. There is a high level of optimism among
conservative leaders that the McCain-Palin combination
is a ticket that will
connect with values voters."
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