News Intelligence Analysis
Bush Campaign Strategy Revealed!
by Rich Procter
I’m 200 feet below sea level in the secure, undisclosed retired ICBM missile silo location of the American Plutocrat Institute, a conservative think tank and officially sanctioned Republican “financial launderette” somewhere in Maryland. I’m here to interview API Grand Sachem, Executive Ubber-Fellow and Maximum Policy Generalissimo Delbert L. “Duke” Thrillhammer. He’s also a Bush Mega-Bundling “Super Pioneer,” having raised over two million dollars in unmarked, non-sequential 20 dollar bills, and having delivered same to Karl Rove in a cardboard box marked “household cleaning products.”
Mr. Thrillhammer called me in to quell the “idiotic over-confidence” of the “loathsome, traitorous Hate-America-First-and-Bush-Second Beansprout Bolsheviks and Tree-Hugging Dirt Worshippers” who are backing “Hanoi John” Kerry, “Senator from Taxachusetts.” Mr. Thrillhammer has promised to reveal how Mr. Bush will crush Senator Kerry in a landslide this November.
ME: Currently, Mr. Kerry is leading Mr. Bush in many national polls, and yet you claim…
THRILL: (chuckles) Bush is going to kick Kerry’s ass with a boot made of burning meat.
ME: Wow! How is he going to do it?
THRILL: (chuckles) Simple! With three simple words – “I was right.”
ME: (shocked) Right? Right about what? Weapons of Mass Destruction? The Iraqis throwing rose petals at our troops? Oil revenues paying for the whole thing? Tax cuts producing jobs? Helllllloooooooooo…
THRILL: (laughing): You’re playing right into our hands! Can’t you see that?
ME: No, I…okay, okay, tell me! What was he right about?
THRILL: (smug smile): Our Beloved Heavenly Father Figure Saint Ronald Reagan… (pauses, looks skyward, crosses himself, small tear wells up in right eye)…told Americans that government wasn’t the answer to their problems – government was the problem! Bill Clinton…(face turns red, steam blasts from ears, mouth spews green vomit)…actually tried to make government “work” for people. George W. Bush…(conspiratorial glance right, left, and then right again)… is proving, finally and conclusively that the United States government is totally, absolutely and completely incompetent to run a donut franchise, much less the largest imperial super-power the world has ever known. Of course Bush is (incompetent)! Of course he’s an inflexible, self-righteous, incurious bonehead! Of course he screws up everything he touches! He is the government! That's the point!!!
ME: (eyes wide) So…committing American troops to the Middle East for no reason, killing almost a thousand soldiers…bankrupting the government…refusing to fund Homeland Security, lying to Congress, dis-mantling 30 years of environmental law…
THRILL: …is proof positive that government is far worse than a nuisance. The Bush Administration is absolute, undeniable proof that GOVERNMENT IS A MENACE TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC! It’s what we right-wingers have been saying for five decades! Bush proves that the American government is out to kill you! It lies to its citizens, kills its soldiers, steals the money of taxpayers, breaks its promises, allows companies to poison its air and water, and squander its assets, from its natural resources to its global goodwill. Honestly, would you trust Bush to run the graveyard shift of a Jack In The Box? And HE’S GOT HIS FINGER ON THE BUTTON!
ME: Ahhh, so THIS is the Reagan Legacy…
THRILL: Writ large, in CinemaScope and Technicolor. With some mealy-mouth, wooly-headed do-gooder like Al Gore running things, the American government might have struggled along for a few more centuries. In three short years, George Bush has proven that all bureaucrats are idiots, Presidents are lying, murderous scum, Senators and Congress men are brain-dead dupes at best and dangerous corrupt hacks at worst, our Judges are mean-spirited, partisan bozos, and that the best choice for all of us is to disband the government, and turn everything over to an enlightened, profit-seeking privatized consortium not unlike Mr. Cheney’s Energy Policy Group.
ME: I suppose your think tank…
THRILL: …is already putting together such a consortium. Halliburton, Bechtel, ExxonMobil, Fox, GlaxoSmithKline, Wal-Mart, Microsoft, Krispy Kreme – we got all the big players on board for the Big Win. Americans don’t want a Bill of Rights! They want 29-dollar DVD players, gas-guzzling SUV’s, two buck Happy Meals and dollar a gallon gas! We’re going to give them what they want, WITHOUT a lot of pointy-headed, never-met-a-payroll bureaucrats mucking up the works by stifling the juggernaut of the free marketplace with (snort) “regulations.”
ME: You know, now that you mention it, Bush has done an amazing job showing how much damage a highly dedicated, dim-witted, self-righteous nincompoop can do.
THRILL: It’s really astonishing, really. He’s a dynamo. All he promised us were massive tax cuts, and handpicked glassy-eyed wingnut judges. The whole “scaring us into a war for no reason, pissing off the entire Middle East, screwing up NATO and discrediting us in the eyes of the world” thing was a Lucky Strike extra!
ME: So Mr. Bush’s re-election campaign…
THRILL: …will be “PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.” He told Americans that politicians were evil, lying, greedy scum – and he personally proved it, in spades!
ME: Thanks. I see things much more clearly now. One final question – what’s going to happen to those who don’t buy his program?
THRILL: Democrats are always yakking about alternative energy. Did you know that cadavers are a valuable source of methane gas?
ME: I’ll, uh, show myself out...
Send a letter
to the editor
about
this article
Copyright © 2004 Yurica Report. All rights reserved.